As a girl growing up, somehow I internalized the idea there was something deeply wrong with me. There was something defective that disqualified me for people liking and accepting me as I was. I knew that deep inside I was just never good enough.
And I had to hide that horrible truth.
I did everything I could to hide that I wans't good enough, and to pretend that I was.
So whenever someone reacted to me in a negative way, or a weird way, or an awkward way, I always figured it was my fault. That they had figured out that I was not good enough.
But you know what? These days I'm realizing what sometimes feels like the secret of the world to me. Here it is...closer...closer...
...Alot of times people's weird reactions are not my fault.
Believe it or not. But it's true alot of the time. Of course, I do things that make people feel awkward sometimes. Or I hurt people's feelings. BUT alot of the time, they're just reacting out of their own personal mess. Just like I react out of my own personal mess...and it's not the other person's fault that I've got issues.
It is SUCH a freeing thing to let people's issues be people's issues. To interact without assuming that everything people do weird or mean is because I'm defective.
I'm free to un-enmesh myself. And it gives me so much more compassion for people. Because it's not all about me anymore. I can really see them now...because before all I could see was me.