This weekend my mind got caught up in a wild spiral of confusion. I had a bunch of different social interactions in just a couple of days, and for one reason or another, they kind of threw me for a loop emotionally.
I had a few texting conversations with friends that I was reading too more into them, more than just the words that were said. And I was worrying. I was feeling bad for what I said, obsessing over if whether or not they had taken what I said in the wrong way, if what I said sounded rude and not how I meant it. And we had gone over to a new friend's house for dinner and I started worrying about whether she liked me or not. And I had another friend that I was just getting to know; a few weeks ago I had initiated a deeper friendship, and now weeks later, I was asking myself, "Who do you think you are?? Why would you think that she would want to be friends with you??"
So I was a mess inside. Lots of yucky, obsessive, confused thoughts rolling around inside of my mind. Lots of insecurities rearing their ugly heads, pretending to be scary truths about me and and my worth and what people think about me.
And honestly, to complicate it even further, throughout the weekend, I knew I was feeling this swirl of emotions. It wasn't like I was feeling it, and then all of the sudden, I was like, 'Ohhhh, I've been feeling all this stuff subconsciously. Let me deal with it.' Nope. I knew it was there, but I didn't feel like I could deal with it. I didn't feel like I could make the insecurities stop. I knew, deep down inside, that I needed to get alone before God and talk to Him about them, but I worried that if I thought about the insecurities and attacked them head-on, that they would just have more space to fill my mind.
On Sunday morning, I went to church carrying all of my swirling insecurities with me. I sat next to a friend and I could not stop worrying about what she thought about me. I was feeling uncomfortable and yucky in the dress I chose to wear, in the way my voice was sounding as I sang along to songs.
On the final song, though, I finally stopped. I got still. I stopped singing, I got quiet in my mind, and I prayed. I don't really even remember what I prayed, but it was the stopping and the stillness and the just being before God that brought a calm to my mind and my emotions that hadn't been there before. And I was able to move through the rest of my busy morning-around-people-at-church with so much more rest and peace inside.
Later on in the day, when I was describing to my husband all the inner turmoil I had felt over the weekend, and confessing that I knew that alot of it was happening because I hadn't been getting before God and letting Him speak to me, that I hadn't been 'drinking in Jesus,' but I had been 'looking for refreshing water' in what people thought of me, my husband said something so wonderful.
You were feeling all those things over the weekend. Don't see that as bad! Don't think that you should have dealt with the emotions sooner, don't condemn yourself for not getting before God sooner. See feeling those things as God's invitation for you to come to Him. He's inviting you to bring your feelings before Him. He's inviting you find refreshing and help in Him. He's not down on you for coming sooner. He's inviting you to come now.
I needed to hear that. When I'm a mess, when I'm insecure, when I have wrong and confusing thoughts flying through my brain at warp speed, when I'm defending myself by having messy imaginary conversations in my mind, Jesus is gently and tenderly inviting me to come to Him. He's not mad that I'm a mess. He's not diappointed that insecurities are flooding my brain. He's not thinking that I should have come sooner to prevent the situation that I'm in now.
He's inviting me to come and be with Him now.
He's inviting me to let Him hold me.
He's inviting me to His love.